What are you trying to achieve with perfectionism? Why do perfectionism and self-neglect go hand-in-hand? Are you seeking a sense of peace and self-acceptance?
In this podcast episode, Dr. Cristina Castagnini speaks about overcoming your perfectionism in 2023 with Dr. Menjie Boduryan-Turner.
MEET DR MENIJE BODURYAN-TURNER
Dr Menije speaks relentlessly on many platforms to share her personal story combined with her professional training to help women break-up with perfectionism. She knows one can be a prisoner of their perfectionism. Her hope for her clients is that that they turn the judgment to compassion and ultimately live a life where they embrace imperfection rather than striving for perfection.
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IN THIS PODCAST
- What is perfectionism?
- Perfectionistic tendencies can develop in childhood
- “Play the tape forward”
- A happy, free, and secure life cannot be controlled
- Perfectionism and eating disorders
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is about having unrealistically high expectations of ourselves … I really like to highlight that because it often gets misunderstood as having standards. (Dr. Boduryan-Turner)
Often people will try to defend their perfectionism by saying that they simply have “high standards” for themselves. They may argue that anything less than perfect would mean that they are “lowering their standards”.
Anything can be a target for perfectionism, from your posture to your body to your habits.
Perfectionism functions with black-and-white thinking and strict rules with no compassion.
That’s [how] perfectionism is this race with no finish line. I often think of it as this marathon and somehow the finish line keeps being [pushed] further and further away from you where anything you do is never good enough. (Dr. Boduryan-Turner)
Perfectionistic tendencies can develop in childhood
How did you develop this belief that you are not enough as you are?
From the research that I have been learning, it really does start as young as five and six years old … it’s also around that age that we start to develop [a sense of] comparison. (Dr. Boduryan-Turner)
People falsely believe that if they do things perfectly then they will feel “good enough” or “liked enough” because they have externalized their sense of worth.
You are not blaming your parents by examining your childhood. Gaining a deeper understanding of how your childhood circumstances impacted you can reveal great insights into how you cope with the world as an adult.
“Play the tape forward”
What helped you to survive and achieve a sense of peace, calm, and safety in the past does not have to stay the same in your future.
The patterns and habits that you learned as a child no longer serve you as an adult, especially if you want to become the happier, healthier, and freer version of yourself.
So, when you play the tape forward you realize that perfectionism is never your friend. (Dr. Boduryan-Turner)
A happy, free, and secure life cannot be controlled
Life will have difficult moments. There will be times when you have to face unpleasant or uncomfortable things and the only true way to get past them is to go through them.
Therefore, if you want to create a life for yourself that has true peace, you need to let go of your urge to control everything around you and focus your energy on controlling your responses to what happens.
That is where your power lies: stick with yourself through the pain instead of abandoning yourself to control the situation.
[There] is a war that you start inside of yourself when you try to keep the peace outside [of yourself]. So, that’s what I would ask people to consider if they’re having a really hard time or [are] hesitant about setting boundaries, is again, play the tape forward and you’ll find out that when you did all that you did to keep the peace outside you start a war inside. (Dr. Boduryan-Turner)
Perfectionism and eating disorders
Perfectionism doesn’t exist. No one can ever be perfect because it is unattainable and not possible.
Are you striving to be perfect in the eyes of other people? Why? Is it to receive acceptance, gratification, worth, or love?
You can stop playing perfectionism’s game and step away because the inner peace, self-acceptance, and love that you are looking for have always been inside of you, not outside.
MEET DR. CRISTINA CASTAGNINI
I am a licensed Psychologist and Certified Eating Disorder Specialist.
While I may have over 20 years of clinical experience, what I also have is the experience of having been a patient who had an eating disorder as well.
One thing that I never had during all of my treatment was someone who could look me in the eye and honestly say to me "hey, I've been there. I understand".
Going through treatment for an eating disorder is one of the hardest and scariest things to do. I remember being asked to do things that scared me. Things I now know ultimately helped me to get better. But, at the time, I had serious doubts and fears about it.
If even one of my providers had been able to tell me "I know it's scary, but I had to go through that part too. Here's what will probably happen...." then perhaps I would not have gone in and out of treatment so many times.
My own experience ultimately led me to specialize in treating eating disorders. I wanted to be the therapist I never had; the one who "got it".
I will be giving you my perspective and information as an expert and clinician who has been treating patients for over 2 decades.
But don't just take my word for it...keep listening to hear the truly informative insights and knowledge guest experts have to share.
I am so happy you are here!
THANKS FOR LISTENING
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